Dear Self,
I am afraid of what might happen if I let myself really feel. I have been pretty good at squashing any feelings of life, boredom and stress with the use of alcohol for quite a long time. I used to only drink on the weekends but then things changed. I never used to drink alone. I don't hide my drinking. I don't like the role model I am being for my children. It is not what you call ideal parenting when you drink on almost daily basis. We are not talking 'vodka for breakfast' here but we are talking get home from work to pour a glass of wine and then have a few more.
It used to be red wine until I found out that red wine is really not my friend. It brings me down and makes me tired. So, I switched to white wine. It is not as bad as when I drink red wine but it still ain't great. I've decided that I have had enough. I was going to go to an AA meeting today if there was one on near me but there is not. I'm scared to go to one as it means stepping up and admitting there is a problem. I called the AA hotline today and spoke to a really awesome dude we will name Doug. Doug was encouraging and supportive. He seemed like a blokes bloke in the way he spoke, even so, he spoke kindly and honestly. Doug said that I had made his day by giving him a call and asking for help.
My local meeting isn't until Saturday. The way it is playing out in my head is that I will talk myself out of going for some reason. How do I stop that from happening? I am going to a counsellor/hypnotist to help me learn how to look after myself better. I went and had a Reiki healing session on Friday night to try and help me with my anxiety and depression. My doctor says that I self medicate with alcohol. So there is something wrong with me, I am broken. How will I overcome this illness so that I can be the best version of myself. So often, I have read and heard that to heal we must love ourselves. That is hard. Love is a feeling as well as an emotion. My counsellor/hypnotist thinks that my feminine emotional side is hiding and my masculine thinking side is having to do everything. I'm have an analytical mind apparently. I think that is because it hurts to much to feel. That's why I like wine. Drink and I don't have to feel.
So, let's see how this journey goes. One day into my sober life. Hmmmm.
Adios.
